Mother of Two

I have to get this down before I just let it pass me by. I believe in the power of handwritten things, I just dont think my hands can keep up with my thoughts on this one right now.

Many of you know that I had a really hard time following through with Jameson's and my plan to get pregnant because I couldn't figure how I could love two children. I talked with a lot of friends and family about it and even though what they said made sense, I just couldn't grasp it. I have a rather simple mentality when it comes to love. You love and serve ONE God and ONE spouse. So how could I ever split devotion into two or more?

Then we got pregnant and I forgot about it for a while. It would work out. Occasionally it would sneak up on me and I'd realize I had no idea to deal with what we'd done. And that there was a timer on Chloe's time. We stopped pressing teaching her that a baby was coming and focused completely on her. We made more of an effort to play, laugh, watch less tv, etc. And it made us better parents. But it was over my head that I would never be able to do this with her again and that broke me heart.

Chloe visited me in the hospital and she immediately crawled in my lap to cuddle. She didnt much want anything else. And I loved sitting with her. I wasn't juggling children so in my head it didnt feel like I was mother of two. I was mother of Chloe in that moment.

Leaving the hospital I had an emotional break. How could I do this? I love Chloe. I love Barrett. When it comes down to their needs how could I pick who comes first? Who would fall by the wayside and how horrible of a parent would I be? Mother of two? It just isn't possible.

Now I've been home two weeks and I get it. Well, to the extent that Becky Ranck age 24 on July 18th 2013 can get it. I sing lullabies to Chloe and I still love her 100%. I do tummy time with Barrett and I love him 100%. This is the best way I can think to put it: Loving someone or something doesn't invalidate the love you feel for someone/something else. Mother of two? Totally possible.

The thing that has really surprised me is that I have become a better mother for Chloe by having Barrett. When he is asleep I make an extra effort to play with Chloe and do new things. I turn on the tv less (part of that is I am finally not 9 months pregnant and tired). I play more games she wants to play instead of modifying them so they're something I'd prefer. I take more time to see what she wants instead of saying "no" or "stop".

Dont get me wrong. I still snap when I shouldn't. I still have to tell her I cant because Barrett needs to eat. But over all, I make more of an effort. And I love that! I love that something I thought would hurt my relationship with Chloe has only made it stronger. I love that this is new and different. I knew I wouldn't get the same first few months with Barrett that I got with Chloe and I never will. That experience was a one time thing. And now Barrett is a one time experience.

I am so blessed to be a mother of two. It isn't the crisis I thought it would be. It isn't the emotional travesty I expected. I have learned I can love more than one child. So thank you everyone that took the time to try and explain it to me. For your patience and enthusiasm to share your experiences. I never knew what you were talking about. I couldn't have. And I am so glad for that because it has been amazingly sweet to learn this with Chloe and Barrett.