Hair

Those of you that have known me for a long time know that I can be, and am, a little obsessive about my hair. How long? Bangs-front or side swept? Color or grow it out? Should I chop it like I usually do?

I never let it rest for long. After marrying Jameson I realized that I worked on a clock. Every year and a half I would have the biggest desire to chop  my hair. He met me right after one of these chops and even though I dont remember this, he tells me that I would constantly tell him "Wait until I have long hair! It looks great!"

And seeing as this is the longest it has been since I was, well, I think my first HUGE chop was when I was...7? 8 ish? Since then. And you know what? I've loved it. I love the fluffy bun pony tails, I love learning new braids, I love that after all these years I can FINALLY do the "Little Mermaid" with it. Which is why I find it weird that I have the desire to cut it again.

I've toyed with the idea for almost a year now. I've been fighting it. I even went in with pictures of a short cut and the guy talked me down because he didnt think it was what I wanted. He said if I still wanted it in a few weeks, to come back and we'd do it. And I never did. I love what he did. Mom would tell me I am a classic look. To which, I agree. I'm not edgy or trendy, I just dont do it well? I dunno.

Thus my current predicament. In college I would decide and run to the first open appointment ANYWHERE to make it happen before I chickened out. And I remember calling my sister telling her how sad I was I cut it and how I miss it. I remember stroking my hair in class because I was told it made it grow faster. I've spent my whole life trying to get here! And now I am here. And you know what?

My daughter is getting my fallen hair stuck in her mouth and choking her. We're finding them in our food. Our shower is clogged bimonthly. I NEVER get to do it cause it takes too long to blow dry. I always end up putting it in a ponytail, but then it gives me a headache so I take it down but then it bugs me cause it is constantly touching me. I hate that I feel like I always look frumpy with it.

So I found a new haircut and it is short. Here is the thing that makes me feel mature, I've done pros and cons all day long. I know when it is short I miss ponytails, I hate that it is always on my neck and that when I get out of the shower it is dripping on my shoulders. I hate that I cant do anything with it and I only think of my hair long. Which is why I called in the big guns. Friends and family.

Family will support me no matter what. But one thing I know about my family is that they all prefer long hair. And I get that. My best guy friends like it better long. But out of the guys that matter, Jameson is the one that matters most and he supports me either way--he met me with it short and likes it both ways. So I called my girlfriends. It was pretty split. But tonight I talked to Carleen.

And as I was talking to her I realized something. I am not doing this cut because I get stuck in patterns (last time I chopped I was 10 weeks pregnant with Chloe. I'll be 10 weeks pregnant on Saturday). And it isn't because I am bored with it. It is because I have been through all sorts of hells the last several months--I'd even say back to January when we were doing Graduate School rejects to a month ago when we were finishing up moving drama. And I need something to show myself that I am not carrying around dead hair, emotions, memories, drama, I want to cut it off. And that is what freaks me out. I take everyone's opinions into considerations but ultimately, Jamie wont care, my family will get over it, but  this cut is for me.

Part of me thinks I will come out tomorrow with nothing but a trim. I'll chicken out and keep what I have. The other part of me is looking at super short cuts thinking about how fun it will be to have bedhead and rocking out. Then I remember Chloe nursing and playing with my hair and think I'll miss it. I guess the fact is, hair grows back if I make a mistake tomorrow and it is okay to stay the same too. But in the end, I'm doing this cut for me.